Nuggets 88: Breaking Stalemate

  • B. Shelburne
  • Dec 17, 2007
  • Series: Nuggets

We were sitting in a college class.  The professor asked two students to come forward.  He had them extend their arms and push against each other, palms against palms.  If one pushed harder, so did the other--a perfect example of ongoing deadlock.  This happens in marriages when one spouse is determined to change some fault in the other and the other spouse resists.  It happens between church leaders with an ongoing personality clash.  It happens between two workers in a company.  People stubbornly, habitually push against each other, refusing to give in.  The result can be years of lost happiness or health or fruitfulness or productivity.

Our professor asked the class, "What would happen if one of the parties suddenly stopped pushing and stepped back?"  "The other person would tumble," we answered.  "But the stalemate would be broken," the professor replied.  "Continuing to push was accomplishing nothing.  Now one person's change in posture has caused change in the other."  Here are some changes in approach that can break stalemate:

- Stop resenting, complaining and truly give the matter up to God.  Leave it with him.  If it tries to come back, give it to God again.

- Instead of responding in kind, start "overcoming evil with good."

- Discuss your differences in a whole new tone.  Tell your opponent you want a better relationship.  Ask them to help you see what you contribute to the problem.

- Stop waiting for the other person to apologize first.

- Look past the exaggerations in your opponent's complaints and try to hear the pain behind them.

- Decide to genuinely accept the other person along with their failing).  When acceptance is real, it may free up the other person's heart to understand your needs.  But even if it doesn't, it sets you free emotionally and spiritually.

- See if you need counseling or an anti-depressant.  I have seen couples get their life back.

Your own needs should certainly be discussed at the right time in the right way.  But use the above suggestions sincerely without strings.  If you do it just to manipulate the other person, you will end up back in the old game.  And a manipulator is always a miserable person.

1 Peter 5:7;  James 1:5;  Romans 12:17-21;  Ephesians 4:1-3;  Ephesians 4:31-5:1;  1 Samuel 24;  Philippians 2:3;  Colossians 3:12;  Titus 3:2-5;  1 Peter 5:5b;  James 3:13-18;  Matthew 5:23,24;  18:15;  Galatians 6:1;  Isaiah 50:4;  1 Corinthians 10:24;  Philippians 2:4-11;  James 1:19;  Romans 15:7;  1 Peter 1:22

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Copyright 2007 by G.B. Shelburne, III.  May be freely reproduced or forwarded for non-commercial purposes provided content is unchanged and this copyright notice is included.  These shepherding messages are sent to members and friends of New Beginnings Church (www.nbchurch.com), to students and alumni of South Houston Bible Institute (www.shbi.org), and to other interested persons.

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